I can't believe I actually said this, sometimes the words tumble out before the social filters kick in. A couple of weeks ago between trips to Cleveland, someone asked how my brother-in-law was doing, and I replied, "better than he was, we are going to the funeral on Monday."
Some will say, "well he is in a better place now." If you believe in an afterlife, he is there. Even if you don't believe in heaven, or an afterlife, or reincarnation, he is in a better place.
I was shocked by how sick he was when we arrived there. Visiting someone in the hospital is never easy, this was especially difficult because of how poor his condition was. We went four days in a row, and were there when the decision was made to discontinue life support.
Once the doctors posed the question, what do we do? The decision was fast. The family had already been thinking it was time, maybe past time to stop the "extreme measures."*
Once the decision was made things moved quickly. He died peacefully within minutes.
At the funeral I talked with several people who were shocked that Ed was dead. They had not visited him in the hospital, and had no idea how sick he was. A couple of them said they were waiting to hear that he was up and talking to visit. He never regained consciousness after surgery.
A dear cousin who had gone to visit Ed a couple of days before he died, told me she was shocked at how bad his condition was. It is really hard to see people in that condition. She and I agreed, that having been there, it was easier to understand why were at a funeral.
My message from this experience. Go visit people in the hospital or other health care facility. It is not easy, but it is often good for the person, and good for you. Looking death in the eyes, can help us understand life. There are things worse than death.
* There is a really great book by the title "Extreme Measures" by Dr. Jessica Zitter on end of life health care. It should be required reading.
Before my mother died, we were asked the question about whether we wanted maximum or minimal intervention should her life be in doubt. Medium wasn't an option. We asked the doctor's opinion about her future, and he replied negatively. We chose minimal. It was the right decision for her and for us.
ReplyDeleteAs Ray has died, I need a new person to take on power of attorney and that will be my sister. Her wife is a doctor and I am sure she will tell sister to pull the plug at the right time. Other family will ensure it is not done too soon. All theoretical as I could die instantly from a heart attack.
A cheerful soul, aren't I.
DeleteYou sound very realistic, and clear. I questioned posting this one, it is not a cheerful topic.
Delete“Better than he was”... Did you want to eat your words? It’s funny and true, but might make someone else uncomfortable. Watching my sister die was a nightmare that replayed in my head for years and years after.
ReplyDeleteI immediately said, oh that was not a polite way to say that. A long and slow death is hard on everyone around.
DeleteI saw my brother Simon in Dove House Hospice two days before he died in July 2022. Cancer had turned him into a skeleton and morphine had turned him into a zombie. Quietly, I sang "Scarborough Fair" to him... "Are you going to Scarborough Fair?" and I assume that that is where he is now.
ReplyDeleteHospice will do their best to keep the person comfortable. It is not easy.
DeleteThe cousin mentioned above also sang to Ed when she saw him. I was very touched by that.
DeleteYour post reminded me of my dad's death and funeral. I lived the closest of his three children and visited him regularly towards the end of his life. I therefore was fully aware of how very ill he was and to be honest his death came as a relief both for him and me and mum as we had watched him deteriorate and suffer. However both my brothers who had not seen him towards the end found his death very hard to take and at the funeral were both very upset were as Mum and I were able to celebrate his life and not mourn his death. This experience was repeated at the end of my Mum's life and my husband's Mum. So I very much agree, always try and visit your relatives towards the end of their lives so you can understand the sentiment of 'they are in a much better place than they were'.
ReplyDeleteJane in the UK
Spending time really helped with acceptance and understanding.
DeleteWise words.
ReplyDeleteThank you,
DeleteThere is such a fine line between "too young to die" and "it's time".
ReplyDeleteEven at a young age, I have worked with clients who were profoundly ill with little hope of recovery.
DeleteI've been thinking about this kind of thing a lot lately. I have two different friends who have elderly relatives going through some serious health issues. One of them I've visited, the other one is more difficult to arrange.
ReplyDeleteSome care settings can be challenging to get to, or distances.
DeleteSpot on. Visit them; even if they come home and recover you'll be glad you visited. And if they don't you'll be even happier that you had your last moments.
ReplyDeleteI was in the room when both my mother, in 2007,. and my father, in 2024, passed and I can say it was a very peace-filled event.
I'm glad I was there to see them off.
Good advice.
ReplyDeletePeople reach out with words wanting to say something helpful but all words are lame and useless. Better to be there with them, and with their others at the funeral.
ReplyDelete