Friday, May 15, 2020
Getting Myself Out of a Funk
Back in January, I put up a post about getting screwed in politics on a board I had served on. The post upset some people, who were offended that I would express my feelings about being upset. Maybe I went to far in my words, I let my emotions get the better of my judgement. I took the post down for a while, then heavily edited and put it back up (I don't want a break in my now over five year streak of posting daily.)
The emotional baggage with that situation kept flaring up, in March I resigned from the board, and the committee work I was doing. My emotions were getting in the way of being effective. The new board officers terms started recently, triggering a major funk for me. I am very happy for the new officers, they are my friends, I know they will will do a wonderful job. At the same time my brain was screaming, "why am I not there?" I am not, because of a decision that I had no control over, a decision based on style and personality, not on what I had done. It was a difficult few days.
After a couple of days of the funk, I sat down and put in writing how I felt, a message to the new officers, a message to the person who headed the committee that made the decision that hurt me deeply. I let that sit overnight, thought about it and hit the delete key. Some would say print it out and burn it, others would say bury it, for me intentionally hitting the delete key works just as well. Leave it behind, for the past is the past, and we can not change it.
A part of me really wanted those involved to understand how I feel. For the person responsible (not you Jen) to express some regret or apology. I had sent a sincere apology for the blog post that others found offensive to the committee responsible, and no one acknowledged that apology. I wanted at least one of them to respond with "thank you, I can understand that you might have been upset" but nothing, total silence.
Then I remembered, as I said in yesterday's post, happiness is an inside job. Try as I might, I can't force another person to think about me, or my feelings, or to see things through my eyes. I can't get another person to say what I want to hear. Regret, forgiveness, and apology are inside jobs. They are things we do in our own heads, for are own peace of mind, to get ourselves out of our own funks. Waiting for someone else to do these, only tortures me. Releasing myself from the expectation that others might be human, might acknowledge my feelings, might admit that maybe, just maybe, their actions were hurtful, is unrealistic. Their lack of action tells me volumes about them, but my reaction to that lack of action tells me volumes about me. And I can change how I react, I can free myself from the self imposed funk.
What should you hit the delete key on?