Saturday, June 27, 2015

Partners in the Journey of Life

Grand Central Station, New York, New York 

We are pleased to announce our engagement! 

We have shared our lives for over 22 years, as a committed monogamous couple.  About 22 year's ago I asked Jay to marry me, something that was not legally possible at that time, this year with the changes in the law happening rapidly we started talking about it seriously.  We are in a unique situation, my legal residence is Virginia, a marriage state, and I work in the District of Columbia, Jay's legal residence is Kentucky, where he works, a state that refused to recognize same sex marriage until Thursday.  We own homes in both states, file tax returns in both states.  Getting married before Thursday's Supreme Court ruling would have left us in a nearly irreconcilable legal quandary of being married in the eyes of the Feds, and Virginia, but not Kentucky.

There are real risks with not being married. If one of us dies without being married, the survivor is not entitled to Federal and state protections on retirement accounts, pensions, and income tax issues.  We own the home in Kentucky jointly, but if Jay dies before we are married, I would owe capital gains tax on half of the profit from it (it is worth twice what we paid for it 20 years ago.)  I have not lived in the home for the past six years and would not be eligible for preferred tax treatment, when we marry, I will be (a married couple can have two primary residences.)  You don't want to hear about the Kentucky inheritance tax that I would owe if Jay does before we marry, but you could buy a nice new Mercedes with the extra tax I would owe. During my recent hospital stays, health care providers didn't know what to do with Jay.  Most commonly I was asked, "you are single so there won't be anyone there when you go home."  Legally I am single and that is what I checked on the form, there was no space to fit Jay in, despite the fact that we have taken care of one another for 22 years.  I was asked this when he was there in the room.  He was not the default person to make health care decisions for me during the 30+ hours that I was unconscious or drugged to an extent that I couldn't make or communicate health care decisions. Without the health care power of attorney that I signed in pre-op the evening before, the health care providers would need to call my 88 and 89 year old parents first.  Not exactly who I want to make decisions, not someone who was available to hold my hand in ICU when I needed it most.

So we set off on planning a marriage.  We have a circle of friends and family that need to be invited.  We want to keep it small and simple, but we want to welcome those who have loved and supported us through the years.  We have not set a date, the current front runner is mid fall. It is unlikely to happen before the summer is over, unless we just go to the court house and make it as quick and simple as possible, that would leave a lot of people out.  I will keep you informed.  This should be fun.


  1. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! can I be a bridesmaid? can I bring the glitter?

    CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU AND SWEET BEAR! you are meant to be together forever!

  2. Well if it took the SCOTUS decision to finally see a photo of Jay on your blog then it's worth it! lolz

    Seriously, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!

    How can this ruling not be a good thing? More weddings means more CAKE......cake does a body good! ;-)

  3. I am very happy! Yay!

  4. Many congratulations!


  6. SO COOL! I volunteer to photograph it! As long as I get invited to the rehearsal dinner! HAHAHAHA (You know what I mean!)

    Peace <3

  7. I am late to the conga line of congratulations but no less enthused.
    You will make a lovely bride; I wonder if I will cry.