My father named me to settle his estate when he died, almost ten years ago. If I went back and read my blog posts from that time, it was a challenge. One family member was, and still is mad that I was named to settle things, despite the fact that I accounted for every dollar and declined a fee. A couple of banks and securities firms tossed up every obstacle they could think of. I moved the estate and my personal accounts from a brokerage in despair over the incompetence.
In the middle of this I was talking with a collaborator on a research project on the phone on day, and he simply asked "are you getting the help you need?" Without thinking, I answered "no- not really." I got up and closed my office door and took a few minutes to compose myself after that call. And then I addressed the issues. For me that was taking some personal time. Finding and reading books that helped support my mental health, grief and healing. Finding a couple of people to vent to. I had been so wrapped up in trying to resolve the issues, that I was not taking care of myself. We all need to do that.
From time to time, we need to ask, How am I really doing? Am I getting the help I really need? And go with how you feel. Seek out the things that you know will help you. If you know what you need to do to stay healthy and take care of yourself, allow yourself to do it. If you don't know, find the resources, reading, listening, counseling to find the help you need.
One of the biggest things that I needed, was someone to listen. Not to try to fix things, but to allow me to vent and verbalize my thoughts and feelings.
I need to remind myself to take care of myself, we probably all do.
These are challenging times, take care of yourself first.
It always amazes me when someone passes and one person in named to settle or care for family member or estate how angry, mad or jealous they can get.
ReplyDeleteThere is always mostly like a reason that person was chosen.
I too have learned to take care of yourself first.
When I did estate planning, I would urge people to explain the family now, what their choices were,
DeleteThank you for sharing this. We really need to take care of ourselves first.
ReplyDeleteAlways
Delete“One of the biggest things that I needed, was someone to listen. Not to try to fix things, but to allow me to vent and verbalize my thoughts and feelings.”
ReplyDeleteI find that to be such a common problem. People tend to want to fix things that can’t be fixed. A good listener is usually all we need.
I need to work on being a better listener.
DeleteI cannot imagine even verbalising my thoughts to anyone. I am too self contained and I can't imagine how to put what troubles my mind into words as I don't understand myself. I get hints of this from others of my age. I expect I will die this way, but don't worry, I am ok.
ReplyDeleteI am really good at hiding my feelings.
DeleteWise words.
ReplyDeleteIs it wisdom, or old age?
DeleteI was the executor of my father's estate and had heard the horror stories of a family member being unhappy about the will and how hard it always going to be. But, according to my attorney, my father had everything planned, and pre-planned and named out and organized so it turned out to be rather easy. A couple of glitches but nothing so awful.
ReplyDeleteThere was a problem with the titling of some stock, that Dad knew about for 20 years, and never fixed.
DeleteGood advice, David.
ReplyDeleteTake care of you, or you won't be there to take care of others.
DeleteYou always have such good advice! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteMy Monday effort.
DeleteI feel your pain. I was the executor of my parents' will after my mom died. Dealing with Mom's dementia (she was very mean at the end stages), the grief of losing my last parent, and then some of the trusts that my dad had set up many years ago just about sent me over the edge. Looking back, I should have asked for more help but being the responsible first child, I sucked it up.
ReplyDeleteWe made it through, and I learned to ask myself if I needed help.
DeleteCertainly, the best advice is to stop and seek the best available resource for you. your blog entry should help folks understand that.
ReplyDeleteYes, there is challenging times. Hopefully things will truly settle after January 20. 2029. That is a Saturday.
ReplyDelete