Almost every day, I make a decision at least once, of how much I disclose, what are the risks, is this a safe place. I specifically mentioned Jay in an email to a person at work that I interact with a couple of times a month. He replied that he finally understood that Jay is my husband. I knew that he had one, I had apparently been ambiguous to the point that he had never understood.
When talking about the love of my life, do I say my husband, do I say my spouse, do I say something even more ambiguous.
What pronoun do I use when describing my spouse. Is it safe to say he is my husband, or is this person going to judge me, or treat me differently because I am who I am, and I love the person I love.
I was closeted as a teenager, I figured it out in my early teens, I was making progress in self acceptance with help from a skilled counselor at school, then she left and the mother of one of my classmates, one of the biggest bigots and gossips in town, the wife of a school board member was hired. That door slammed shut. Fear set in about what might be in my file.
I was closeted as a young adult. I hid in one of the ultimate closets, getting married. It didn't work. It didn't change me. It didn't make either of us happy. It was a mistake, and I knew it was a mistake when I did it. I ate and drank heavily for a few years, then went in the opposite direction with an extreme diet and exercise routine.
Finally in my late 20's, I decided that happiness was more important than acceptance. I told her she wasn't happy, and I wasn't happy and we both deserved happiness, split things close to down the middle. Ending even an unhappy relationship is not easy, but it was worth it in long run.
I met Jay a few months later, a few months after that we joined our lives. 20 odd years later we married. He makes me happy, I hope I make him happy. As all relationships are, ours is a little weird in it's own way. That is how and why we work.
And yet, every time I encounter a stranger, I my mind runs through the mental calculus of disclosure. It is exhausting at times.
At times, like showing affection to each other, it felt like a political statement. I finally hit my limit in my late 30s. I stunned myself by referring to SG as my roommate when I met a macho guy I didn’t think would understand. It turns out he was gay and thought I was straight and was therefore putting on a macho show for my benefit. I decided at that point, never again. I had been completely out at work for years. After that, I tried not to give two shits what someone might be thinking. Sadly, we’re still very aware of where we are when we show affection since we can’t control the lunatics. Here, it’s been a non-issue.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest issue is probably in my mind, and we know how we think, can take time to change.
DeleteThank you for discussing this topic. I sometimes feel like a neanderthal that this is still an issue for us, an openly gay married couple. As open as we try to be, and like to think we are, we too, never completely escape the occasional moments where we hesitate, or commit the sin of omission for comfort or safety's sake. It's very rare these days, but it does still happen, much to my chagrin. I think it all heightened for us (the concern and caution) with the era of Trumpism. It is exhausting, and has contributed to our joy of becoming reclusive in the era of COVID. When it's just us, at home, we don't have to worry about who we are, where we go, or who sees us. I've known since I' was 10, so it's been 40 years of some level of hiding of concern. It becomes part of you, but it is damn exhausting.
ReplyDeleteSassybear
www.idleeyesandadormy.com
I hesitated posting this, it says things that need to be said. I hope you are feeling better,
DeleteYes, Sweetie, you do indeed make me very happy. 🥰
ReplyDeleteAww! LOVE YOU!
DeleteI called Carlos my partner for several years but then i always that sounded too businesslike. I was happy when we got married because now I proudly say husband to anyone and everyone and if they don't like that idea well, that's on them.
ReplyDeleteEspecially for lawyers, Partner has a very different meaning,
DeleteWe just finished watching Pose - my wish is that all bigots were the ones that had to hide.
ReplyDeleteGreat Idea
DeleteBeautiful post!
ReplyDeleteThanks,
DeleteIt is indeed exhausting to be in the closet, trying to keep track of who knows, who doesn't, who might know someone who will spill the beans, which lies/half-truths/omissions you've told to whom, etc. It robs us of energy to put in other areas of our lives. If there is a real and present threat to our safety, then it's justified as a survival strategy.
ReplyDeleteI was closeted until I was 30 and then I came out with a vengeance, LOL! I've been out everywhere, to everyone, ever since. We only have one life, and it's ours, so why spend it catering to bigots and Judgy McJudges? Best decision I ever made! No regrets whatsoever.
The challenge is undoing the pause button in my brain
DeleteI've written about the same a couple of times, to disclose or not. It was a snap decision that at times had to be made daily or more when I was working, not much now.
ReplyDeleteEarly in blogging days when I referred to Bone Doctor, now my sister's wife, so often people would assume it was a he. Understandable of course. If I make mention of her now, I try to slip in something to make it clear BD is female, but I bet I have readers who think she is a he.
There used to be a fear of referring to your husband or wife in a same sex relationship because imaginations would start working on who did what, but while I don't use the word husband, I am very pleased that many do and I am the husband of my husband.
It is a topic worthy of talking about,
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